


Thirteen Things To Know About James T. Kirk

by FallacyFallacy



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Character Study, Friendship, Gen, Gen Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-22
Updated: 2011-06-22
Packaged: 2017-10-20 15:32:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallacyFallacy/pseuds/FallacyFallacy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are a lot of things people supposedly know about Jim Kirk. Most of them have some truth to them. Some barely apply to him at all. But there's one thing that everyone seems to know about him that couldn't be more wrong.</p><p>Written for the Queer_Fest prompt 'Any Fandom : any character, a tendency to flirt shamelessly with anything that moves is making it really hard to convince people that sie is asexual, but sie's not going to stop.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thirteen Things To Know About James T. Kirk

Here is a list of things James T. Kirk likes:

1) The Enterprise. What can he say? She's his silver lady and he's never giving her up.  
2) Chess. Sometimes, it's actually kind of nice to show off the fact that he actually isn't always an idiot, especially if his partner is expecting otherwise.  
3) Hot girls. They come in all shapes and sizes (especially the non-humans!), but each is more attractive than the last.  
4) Hot guys. What can he say? He's equal-opportunity.  
5) Hot people of any other gender, and no gender at all. He's very equal-opportunity.  
6) Porn. The sheer variety of sexual expression among various species is downright fascinating. Also, it's hot.  
7) Flirting. Two people sharing an awesome atmosphere and complimenting one another, or playing around and teasing each other? Fuck yeah.  
7 a) Flirting with Dr. Leonard McCoy. His reaction isn't quite so hilariously impressive as it was when they first met, but it wouldn't feel right to interact with him without propositioning him at least once anymore.  
7 b) Flirting with Lieutenant Nyota Uhura. He's always found a perverse sort of humor in pretending like every negative stereotype about him is true, and no-one plays along better than Uhura does when she rolls her eyes and calls him an obnoxious pig.  
7 c) Flirting with Commander Spock... _Spock_. (Yeah, he's not even gonna try with that last name.) If there's a better way of saying 'welcome to Humanity!' without also saying 'say goodbye to Vulcanity!' he doesn't know it.  
7 c i) Also, one time he flirted with Spock and Spock _flirted back_. The memory of that day – the surprised silence that proceeded it, Spock's own slightly shocked expression, and the sheer intensity of Jim's laughter – is permanently etched ointo his brain. _He will make it happen again._  
8) Making little machines when he gets bored. What? Not everything is about sex! Well, only most of it, maybe.

Here is a list of things that James T. Kirk does not like:

1) Actually having sex. Tried it once. Tried it several more times. Tried it with every possibly sexually enticing kink he ever enjoyed in porn. Didn't work  
2) Masturbation. He can come, yeah, but it isn't exactly all that pleasurable. It can be, but it takes so much fucking time and effort (no pun intended) that it just isn't worth it.  
3) Mushrooms.

Here is a list of things that James T. Kirk may like, or may not, it's kind of ambiguous, really:

1) Romantic relationships.

Here is a list of things that James T. Kirk honestly does not give the slightest shit about, also, can we go back to the porn:

1) Romantic relationships.

~~~

Jim once believed the old adage that there is a grain of truth in every rumour. Since he has found himself pushed very suddenly into the spotlight and thus inadvertently become the number one target of more journalists than he can count he has long since realized the falsity of the statement. A microscopic fleck, perhaps, but even then only to the most honourable of newshounds.

However, at the base, Jim's reputation isn't entirely false. He has had a lot of sex. Sure, it was done in the interest of scientific curiosity rather than a voracious appetite, but he couldn't help but pick up some things along the way. If nothing else, it taught him to flirt, and flirt well.

Mostly, though, Jim's pretty sure his image has nothing to do with that at all. In the end, it all comes down to how he holds himself - with confidence. It goes like this: sex is what everyone wants, even if they won't admit it. All sexually dissatisfied people are miserable inside and desperate to get laid. Therefore, successful, confident, happy people must be having exactly as much sex as they want.

To be fair, that's not wrong in this case.

There were probably all sorts of contributing factors. His tendency to flirt with everyone he met. His popularity making him an attractive candidate for an alleged fling. His notoriety making him just the sort of character you'd expect to find fucking exotic aliens every weekend. The fact that he never particularly seemed to care what his reputation said about him, which of course is the clearest sign that a rumor is actually true.

And then he went and saved the Earth, sort of. And all of a sudden, not only did it become very fashionable to brand him 'cool' enough to be having all kinds of sex you couldn't have, it became quite rewarding to claim that you had once spent a night with the famous Jim Kirk.

All he knows is he's apparently the galaxy's greatest playboy. He'd say he wishes someone would tell his dick that, but, honestly? He doesn't think he does, really.

~~~

“What do you think?”

Jim looks around. “I like it.”

“I agree,” Uhura says, shifting closer to Spock. “It's good to have at least one night all together before we go off on our own a bit.”

“Bros before hoes,” Jim adds and flashes a grin at Bones, who rolls his eyes.

“Really? Because I could have sworn...”

“Hey, hey!” Jim raises his hands graciously. “You are all bros and hoes equally in my eyes!”

“How kind,” Spock says with a straight face.

“Actually, speaking of which, you should get a girlfriend or boyfriend this shore leave.”

Jim rolls his eyes. “Uh, sure, mom?”

“She's serious, Jim,” Bones says, leaning forward and looking inordinately serious. “Look, I don't wanna complain about your sexual behavior or whatever -”

“Then don't.” He shifts, uncomfortable.

“Sorry. I just wondered why you never had, that's all, and I thought that since this leave will be pretty long, it'd be a good opportunity for something...” Uhura trails off.

“Well, thanks for the thought, but it's not gonna happen.”

“Why not?”

Well, that's as good a segue as any. “I'm ace,” he says, aware that he's probably trying just a touch too hard to sound casual.

The other three stare at him. After a moment Spock says, “I believe I am aware of the meaning of that word, but I do not see how it is relevant.”

“Er, ace as in asexual.”

“Ah.” Spock leans back, looking thoughtful. Uhura and McCoy still look bemused at best.

“You're asexual. _You_ are.” Bones is glaring at him now, which seems a bit unfair, but is hardly unexpected. “Jim, you are _the single least goddamn asexual person I've ever met._ ”

“Really? You know, I always secretly expected this whole sex thing was just one big masquerade...”

“But.” Uhura stares at him, as though completely certain that at any moment he'll burst into laughter and never let them all live it down that they actually believed him for a few seconds. “But. That makes no sense.”

“Yeah, Jim, I'm pretty the entire point of asexuality is that you don't have sex. Which you fail, oh, all the time?”

“No, it's not.” He pauses. “And I don't, actually.”

“I spent several years in a dorm with you,” Bones points out aggressively. “I think I'd know, though god knows I wish I didn't.”

“And how many times did you catch me having sex?” He's honestly confused. Has everyone just, like, permanently altered their memories or something?”

“Gaila!” Uhura bursts in, looking pleased with herself. “You were with Gaila.”

He shrugs. “I needed her help with something. And, well, I thought it was as good a way as any to pay her back, given that she was clearly expecting it.”

“With your body?” Bones says darkly.

“Is there something wrong with that?”

Uhura is still persistent. “But – on Xiqiao! The princess! I'm sorry, but I just – I don't think I understand.”

“She needed to be distracted. Besides, I never actually slept with her. Not that I wouldn't've.”

“Jim,” Bones repeats, with an intensity that would probably seem comical in retrospect, “you talk about sex _all the time_.”

“Sex is interesting! Just...not when it involves me.”

“But if sex is interesting then you're not asexual, are you?”

“Yes, I am! Look, you can't just tell me what my own sexuality means.”

“Er,” Uhura says, cutting in. “Not to say something offensive or anything, but... he kind of can? Words are defined by their use. You can't just define a word however you like internally then complain when other people misunderstand you.”

“So, it's fine as long as I explain how I use the word?”

“I guess?”

“Fine.” He straightens up. “I'm asexual. To me, that means that I like making out, and naked people, and porn, but don't like actually having sex. Or masturbating,” he adds.

“Goddammit, Jim, I did _not_ need to know that.”

“Well, how the fuck am I supposed to explain stuff like this otherwise?”

Spock raises an eyebrow. “I concur. In addition, I wonder what messages it sends about the abilities of our doctor that he cannot hear mention of such biological processes without complaint.”

“Why you green-blooded elf, you know perfectly well that talking about stuff in the med room is completely different to talking about it in a bar somewhere!”

“Actually, Spock, you've been quiet this evening. Penny for your thoughts?”

“I would not presume to share them, Captain. Vulcans define sexuality is a extremely different way to Humans', highlighting extreme social differences in the ways our cultures approach issues of sexuality. I do not find myself knowledgeable enough about the concept of human asexuality to comment at this time. It is illogical to make conclusions when one does not have the necessary data.”

“I'll be remembering that the next time you pull statistics our of your ass, mark my words.”

“The probabilities I calculate are invariably one hundred percent accurate given the information we have at the time. I never presume to be making them under circumstances of total information, and, in fact, given that probabilities themselves are inherently markers of a certain degree of lack of information, the very concept is nonsense.”

“Sorry,” Uhura murmurs, leaning over the table and ignoring her boyfriend and friend fighting. “I meant it when I said I didn't mean to say something offensive. Just. Words, you know. I have a thing.”

“I get it.”

She looks thoughtful. “You're really asexual? I'm sorry, but it's a little funny, really. Everyone – even us – we all had it so wrong...”

He shrugs. “Don't be. It is funny. Hell, I'm pretty sure I encouraged it half the time.”

“Well, I guess I can see that...”

He grins. “Don't worry about it, beautiful. Someone as sexy as you can believe whatever she wants!”

She frowns, then slaps his hand lightly. “Pig.”

“Are we insulting Jim, now? That's something I can get behind.”

Jim rolls his eyes. “Fine, all pick on the ace guy. It's discrimination, that's what it is.”

“By that logic, either I or Nyota could also be considered targets of 'discrimination', as she is the only female and I the only Vulcan.”

“Bones, you're gonna have to be the loner, then. You're just too mainstream for us all freaks.”

“Then who'd keep you idiots in line and stop you screwing yourselves over every five minutes?”

“Is that how you define your unintelligible ranting and raving, then, Doctor?”

Bones blows up, of course, but Jim doesn't really pay attention. He knew he didn't have anything to worry about, but he realizes now that he kind of was a bit nervous, anyway. It's weird, being like this – having friends he actually wants to tell things about himself. Not necessarily better.

In this case, though? Definitely better.


End file.
